I don’t know about you but during winter I like to grow a nice Winter coat, I’m single, I’m not shagging anyone and I feel the cold sleeping alone all by my old lonesome self!
Well I actually have a toddler who sleeps with me and never leaves my side and I’m way too busy to be lonely but I digress.
I LOVE and choose to be single as shocking as that revelation is to grasp, a mid 30’s something choosing to be single but Its true. I fucking love it and one of the reasons is because I get to do whatever the fuck I like whenever the fuck I like (yes I know you can do that in some relationships too!)
One of those things I can do is go all natural without needing to concern myself about how my partner feels about chowing down on furburgers.
I’m not talking just a bit of spike or fuzzy fluff either, I’m talking hairy legs that took three disposable razers each leg to shave clean and a terrified beautician who squealed and mockingly tried to kill what she referred to as a ‘fucking dead animal! Lucky she’s a mate!
Once the little red light flashed green on the wax pot and it was hot enough to be melted into liquid torture she began to de-whisker my whisker biscuit with brutal force!
Heated strip after strip I felt each and every single hair get ripped from my moot-Cha-cha and with every new strip I jerked further up the massage table covered with a plastic sheet as some form of protection but nothing and no one was there to protect my delicate puff pillow and it was feeling extra puffy by this stage!
I’m not quite sure why waxers insist on showing you the fruits of their labour or maybe it’s just because she was so impressed with my mammoth effort in bringing the 70’s bush back but she proudly displayed each hairy strip to me before folding it and throwing away with a slight shudder.
As I laid there with my knees up near my ears and we discussed how I really should do this at least once every 6 months she asked me why I decided to get waxed instead of just shaving…..
If I had even a shred of dignity left it was about to be disposed of and tossed away like the hot, hairy yellow strips in that little white waste bin.
I have a very small shower and being a mum means I get absolutely no privacy, my toddler insists on either sitting on the bath to watch me shower or having a shower with me. She is also 4 and likes to ask a million questions and is brutally honest so when I do shave my banana basket she likes to ask intimate details and provide a running commentary.
I don’t mind and answer any questions as honestly as age appropriately possible but when I was shaving in the shower and she accidentally rubbed her cheek against my prickly pear and screamed thinking there was a spider on her then I knew waxing was probably a better option.
And if my child’s newly acquired phobia of ‘ mummy’s ‘spikey miss fanny applebee’ wasn’t enough to leave me slightly red faced, imagine my utter embarrassment when to my horror she loudly announced to the cashier at Kmart ‘my mummy’s spikey fanny hurt my face in the shower today!!!
Im just going to quietly die in the corner now…..Maybe I should try laser?!