No married men allowed!

I recently had an ‘old friend’ add me on fb, he was someone I used to know and spent quite a few of my teen years with drinking, partying and getting all kinds of high with.

I was a mess of a teen and had a major drug and alcohol addiction and with that comes stupid decisions like fucking guys that I found repulsive when sober and let them treat me pretty shockingly, one night this particular douche canoe even stole my car and brought it back in the morning just ruined with SLUT scratched into the bonnet because I told him I wouldn’t date him (I know right) but the friend who added recently me was never really a cunt, just a sheep..

White sheep in paddock with mouth open

The years have passed and A LOT has changed and I have nothing to do with any of those dickheads for good reason but old mate added me and I accepted, it’s been 15 years so was good to see him married with kids, running his own business and has his own house.

Apparently he didn’t think I had grown up or changed though Because Not even 2 messages in and he is hitting me up to meet up for a drink and then ‘have some fun’ I ask what fun he is referring to just so when I shred him he can’t say ‘nah I meant let’s play mini golf’ or some shit. He says ‘I don’t know, you could sneak here when my Mrs is at work, I’ll put the kids down for a nap and me and you can play adult mums and dads’

…….play what now?

Firstly, What in the fucking world makes you think I want to shag your old married ass?! Hint, I don’t!

But more importantly, I have been playing ‘mums and dads’ for 14 years, this game is not so fun, it doesn’t make me want to rip my clothes off and do you when the kids are napping it makes me want to NAP when the kids are napping IF they ever nap and if you can get two of them to do it at the same time then I want to hire you as a babysitter not my married fuck buddy!

Two gold wedding rings on top of each other

If we gonna be playing mums and dads then we’re going halves on all the bills and we need to set a roster, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I’ll cook you can do the dishes and the other days we can swap. Sunday’s we can do take away or go out for dinner so we can both have a day off from cooking and cleaning because you must be exhausted from all the snaking around you’re doing behind your wife’s back.

We should probably start thinking about what time we can get off over the Christmas holidays so we can organise sitters for the kids, do you think your mum would watch the girls for a few days, actually it’s all good Mum said she can so that’s that sorted…..

Then I sent him a pic of Amarlie and myself and wrote ‘come on over this little one and the 3 older kids are dying to meet their new daddy!’

He never wrote back 🤷‍♀️

8 Comments on “No married men allowed!

  1. I love your sense of humor. Me and my sister were just talking about ways to creep out guys she’s not interested in on dating sites. One of them was to say that your child is sick in bed with you and does he want to hang out and help you clean up puke! Haha. I love your raw approach to douch bags! And your whole style of writing! Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooooh I love that one lol puke and shit are definitely two ways to go! 😂😂

      Thanks so much Angela I really appreciate your kind words xx

      Like

  2. Love it! You had me in hysterics! You go girl! Adult Mum and Dads, what an idiot man! You are a great writer! I love the humour! Keep up the great work! 😊Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks babe!!! I know right I was thinking to myself is there a kids version of mums and dads that involves them actually looking after themselves and paying the bills because if there is I’ve been doing it wrong all this time! Haha

      Like

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