One year ago daddy, mummy got a phone call that she says changed our lives forever. I don’t remember it, it was late at night and I was sleeping but I stirred when I heard mummy crying as she pat my back until I fell back to sleep.
The next morning mummy was still crying and she told me that my daddy was a star now and that I wouldn’t see him for Christmas unless I looked to the sky, she told me through her tears and her quaking voice that I would never see you again because you had to go away.
She said you were very sick for too long and couldn’t fight any longer. She said she was really scared to do all of this on her own but she would make you so proud with how she raised us kids.
I was so sad but didn’t really understand what was happening, I cried because I wanted you to come and see me every day like you used to, I cried to mummy a lot and mummy wiped my tears away with her shaky hands and promised me that everything would be ok, sometimes I didn’t believe her but her cuddles and kisses made me feel better.
I was confused when I seen you sleeping a few days later, I was really scared when they put you into a big hole in the ground. I had my mummy and nanny and nono there, my sisters and Aunts were there and my brother Max and his mummy Mase which made me feel better but everyone was crying which was really scary.
I was busting to go to the toilet after playing with my big brother Max and I couldn’t help it I REEEEALLY needed to go so I just pee’d on the ground, that was the first time I seen my mummy smile, everyone smiled and laughed then daddy.
We went back to that hole and put flowers there for you every few days and mummy would get sad and sometimes yell at you then say sorry and cry some more, one day my heart was hurting and I tried to dig you out and begged mum to help me get you out so mum said we’d just look at your photos and videos instead of going to the hole, that makes me much happier.
Sometimes I cry for you, sometimes I cry so hard that I fall asleep in mummy’s arm after she rocks me and sings me the songs she says you’d want me to know and love. She says that you’d HATE the music she lets me listen to so she always plays me Luther Vondross and Tracey Chapman’s fast cars on but then she cries a lot. She cries a lot about a lot of things daddy she thinks I don’t see her when she hides in the shower or hides her face but I know she’s crying and tell her it’s ok and I love her.
Some nights I dream of you and wake myself up from yelling out your name, sometimes I am happy because you aren’t a star in my dreams and you’ve come back to hug me and look at my drawings I done for you and tell me that my dress is as pretty as a princesses.
One dream was so real that when mummy said it was just a dream and you were still in the sky I cried so hard that I threw up, I don’t like throwing up daddy and mummy jokes and said she doesn’t like sleeping in it so she cleaned us up then she rocked me and sang to me while she stroked my hair, I always tell her she has a beautiful voice and I love her 5 ❤️
When my big brother comes over we play a lot and sometimes we talk about you and how much we miss our daddy, I always ask mummy about my other big brother Laeeq and she shows me photos of him and laughs because I still can’t say his name and call him Maleeq, mummy promises me I’ll get to meet him one day like you wanted.
Daddy, sometimes I do naughty things like hurt my sisters and when mummy tells me off I run to my bed and scream out that I wish I was a star too with you. Mummy gets really sad when I say it sometimes even a little bit mad but I don’t know why, I’m only 4 you know?!
I miss you too much daddy, I hear lots of people say they miss you but I think Me and Max and Maleeq miss you the mostest!
I love you too much my daddy, I will always love you to the moon and back and one day, mummy says when we are very old, I will be a star too and we will light up the sky together. I don’t understand why you wanted to leave me but mummy says I will know when I grow up, I hope so.
I Love you daddy.
From your pretty Princess Amarlie Briallen ❤️
(Australia: if you or someone you know are having suicidal thoughts or need help please call Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14)