Trigger warning sexual abuse mentioned*
The first time a man took my power away I was just 7 years old, he was someone I loved and trusted and looked up to.
But he is just a boy.
He has his whole life ahead of him.
He deserves another chance at life.
He went on to abuse many other children including his own and suspected of killing his newborn baby, they gave him that chance!
He led the way for other men to viciously and violently take from me and for me to continuously allow them too because I had absolutely no self worth, my mind was mine to torment and my body was a mans, any mans, all mens…
The sexual abuse and emotional torment left me voiceless in an unexpected way, I became a target for men to abuse me as though predators could sense I had fallen victim to one man so now I was flagged as a willing victim. Even as an adult I attracted narcissistic men with sexually violent behaviours and gave them the excuse that I was being ‘too sensitive’ and just overreacting once again.
I was not.
After being sexually abused as a child often a child will become withdrawn and timid but I actually became louder, outspoken and abrupt, unafraid to speak my mind but I really had nothing to say or more so, I was saying the wrong things to the wrong people, when it came to men I still stayed silent
I still had no voice
I still had no power
I still had no control
I was a lost little girl being led by wolves into darkness.
All aspects of my life were affected by the trauma of childhood abuse, I continued to be a victim to grown men from a very young age and I struggled to break the cycle.
Relationships that were good I sabotaged and those that were bad I welcomed because that’s all I deserved in my mind.
I felt worthless but I was
desperate to be loved,
Desperate to be heard.
When I didn’t have those things I needed I would make myself seen, how my body looked was the one thing I could govern and I was determined to be thin and overtly sexual, I believed that that was what sexiness was and I had been conditioned to believe this by both men and women alike.
I was in complete control of ‘her’ and I treated her like shit, I didn’t feel connected to my body at all, it was as though I existed and she was a mere extension of my mind.
I punished her, I treated her with contempt and loathing as though she was the reason for everything that had happened to me, my mind suffered solely because of her.
I blamed her for everything, she forced my existence and I hated her for that so I punished her.
I starved her for years, she didn’t deserve food.
I abused drugs and alcohol and made her completely dependent on them then stop and withdraw so she’d feel the pain of needing something so bad that it physically hurt but being powerless to get it.
I allowed her to be used and abused by men in ways that my mind had been so many times in my short life. This was completely on her not me. She was the slut, the whore, she deserved to be called those names not me.
I wanted her to die.
But she was me and I was her and what I wanted was to die.
When I fell pregnant with Tigah Rose it took 5 months for me to acknowledge that I was really pregnant, I knew early but I just could not bond with her.
I didn’t feel that overwhelming protective feeling that pregnant women experience, I felt nothing except sick and out of control again.
I didn’t have maternal instincts and not because I didn’t love Tigah Rosie, she literally saved my life, but because I still did not feel as though my body was mine and now not only did I feel as though my body wasn’t mine I felt as though she was literally someone else’s just in a very different way.
It took months of intensive therapy and trauma counselling to feel as though I was actually having a baby, Tigah Rosie was all mine and she was very real.
I was hospitalised from severe morning sickness and bleeding and thought I’d lose Tigah a few times and that invoked emotions I had never experienced before, I was clean and sober and starting to feel connected to my body in a way I never had before.
I started treating my body with the respect she deserved by showering her with love and compassion and understanding and realised that none of what happened was her fault, it wasn’t our fault, the blame lay solely on the perpetrators not on us.
Never on us..
I loved my body for what she was doing for me, she was growing me this tiny human who would be loved by me and seen by me and heard by me.
My baby girl would have a voice and she would be fucking heard.
I appreciated my body and her raw beauty and unbridled determination and I felt beautiful and sexy for the first time in my life, not sexual but truly fucking sexy and not for anyone else but for me.
During birth my mind and body worked together as one on a spiritual level and I knew I had finally taken my power back, I was empowered. I was a mother.
And just like that I wanted her to live.
And she was me and I was her and what I wanted was to live.